Moving to Somewhere

By Adrielle Stapleton

I’m probably moving next year but I don’t know where to yet. Here is my list of five things I’m doing to get ready.

A little more about my situation: I’m also a trailing spouse – for various reasons my spouse’s job search and which universities decide to offer jobs next year will be a more important factor in our move than our personal preferences. It will also probably be a more permanent location for us. It feels like a big decision that we can’t control.

But, I’m finding that it’s still possible to do things that will make the transition easier. It makes such a difference to me to feel like I am preparing now instead of just waiting for the big arcade claw in the sky to pick me up and drop me in a new place. 

Below are 5 things I’m planning to do. I’d love to hear from you if you have other suggestions! 

1. Talk with my spouse about what we have liked or disliked about places we have already lived

The time before definite job offers can be a less stressful time to talk about what a great place to live could look like, if you approach it as an exercise of the imagination that isn’t tied to any decisions or outcomes. My spouse has been bringing this up and I really appreciate it. It’s not clear that my spouse will have multiple offers to choose between, but if we do I don’t want to be just starting this conversation when we are both emotional and under time pressure.

2. Update my job search materials 

Make sure to write up descriptions of all the volunteering and work stuff you have been doing. Use Jennifer’s PAR statements strategy, and record your accomplishments while they are still fresh in your mind and you are excited about them. 

3.  Network online

A web presence is a reputation and network that can move with you wherever you go. 

Make a full Linked-In page and join Linked-In groups and other online communities that are relevant to your work. If it makes sense for your goals, you could also start a professional blog or twitter account related to your work that you update regularly. 

4.   Help Jennifer build the alumni network

For completely selfish reasons, obviously! People who have already experienced the same transition that you are getting ready for are a great resource for advice. If they live in your new city, even better. The alumni project is new, so we need volunteer help reconnecting with the many spouses who have moved on from MIT and getting updated contact info so that we can all help each other. 

Once you have moved to your new city, stay in touch with MIT spouses&partners if you are interested in helping other MIT families who move to your city get connected. We would love for people to organize get-togethers for alumni spouses in their cities.

5. Talk about the transition before, during and after

If you are anxious about moving (or angry or whatever), that’s ok, and I think it can be useful to really spend some time talking about what motivates your emotions with someone who cares. Figure out what in particular is worrying you so that you can make a concrete plan for what you are going to do about it. There are lots of people you can talk to! 

Experiencing and talking about my particular worries was instructive – for example, I realized that I got anxious when my spouse and I talked about moving to places where I would expect to struggle to find a job or get work permission. Now I can communicate to my spouse that working is a priority to me, and build skills or do research to prepare for tough job search situations. This turns out to be a lot more effective than bursting into tears when my spouse casually mentions moving to a new continent. 

Do you have stories about adapting to a new place or advice for things we can be doing to get ready for a move to… somewhere?  Email your ideas or stories to spousesandpartners@mit.edu.